Help Children Feel Confident and Secure Through the Use of Calm Language

As we think about the idea of returning to school, we know many strategies will be needed to help set a calm tone, for children as well as adults. One way this can be done is to be mindful of the words we use. In fact, this is a good time to rethink the use of “safety” language and the messages it sends to children, as well as the adults in their lives.

Humans have a built-in “alarm system” that alerts them to possible harm or danger. This warning system helps people know when to take action to reduce harm or get to safety.

However, sometimes the alarm system gets switched on when it is not needed or when it is actually unhelpful.

The words or phrases we use can help to keep the alarm quiet or at least turned down. However, the opposite is also true: they can turn on the alarm. Adults feel very responsible for children’s safety, but sometimes that leads them to use words that may make children nervous. They may also remind children about safety more often than is needed.

Individual children differ in terms of how well they tolerate feelings of fear and anxiety and how quickly they can turn off the “alarm” and return to feeling calm. Children who are more sensitive or anxious may have more sensitive “alarms”, may be more sensitive to the impact of safety talk, and may experience inflated feelings of worry more easily. In turn they may have more trouble returning to calm. After the past few months, it makes sense to do things to keep from setting off children’s alarms when possible. Besides, at any time, it is more helpful to give children clear messages about what we want them to do without burying instructions in the language of fear and safety.

How can I adjust my language to set a calm tone and to avoid inflating fear?

Match language to what is needed and try not to turn on the “alarm” system:

  • There have been many “safety” messages while staying at home
  • The need to be watchful about physical distance and hygiene habits, like hand-washing, has created tension for many people
  • Frequently hearing the saying, “Stay Safe”, has made it hard for many people to keep their “alarm” system turned down or off
  • Try using messages like these with your children and others: “Be Healthy”, “Stay Well”, “Keep Your Distance”, or “Stay Apart”
  • These messages get the point across and show you care, but they are less likely to turn on a child’s alarm system, or yours!

Refer to “health precautions”

  • Using the term “health precautions” rather than safety measures speaks directly to the “good health” measures that Public Health officials have been recommending
  • By now, children will be pretty used to these measures and why they need to follow them
  • Parents can remind children that educators have made plans for following these routines at school, just like you have done at home
    • e.g., “Your teacher will remind you to wash your hands”

Optimism: Give messages of strength and hope

  • Give children positive messages about how well they coped with the stay-at-home time
  • Remind children that they came through that time in spite of hard things they had to deal with, earning a badge of honour for a job well done
    • e.g., “Even though it was hard not to see your friends, you made it through!”
  • Parents and caregivers can help their children realize they are wiser and more prepared to handle new challenges with those experiences in their “life backpack”
    • e.g., “You have done something you never had to do before – that will help you handle other new things.”
  • Parents and caregivers can also remind children that they have had to learn and practice new procedures at school in the past and will be able to learn new routines at school this year

Self-Check: Whose worry is it anyway?

  • Parents and caregivers have lots of reasons to be concerned for their children with the return to school
  • The challenge for adults will be to keep feelings of concern in check so that they can help their children feel secure in the care of the adults at school
  • It is important for parents and caregivers to be aware of their own feelings of worry or tendency to be overprotective, partly so that they can tune into “signals” they might be giving their children without meaning to
  • Keep in mind – children pick up on other people’s feelings and sometimes start to feel the same way
  • Even if parents and caregivers are worried, they can confidently give encouraging messages like, “I know the adults at school will take care of you”, “Have a good day”

Beyond these unusual times surrounding return to school, many of the suggestions, including those below, will generally help parents set the tone for helping children to move forward calmly in the things they do.

Families are clearly responsible for children’s safety and well-being. In fact, it is important to teach children to think about and be aware of things that pose a risk of harm to their health and well-being. For example, think about the lessons you teach young children about the “hot stove” or running out into the street.

Less “safety talk”

  • Once children have learned those important “safety” lessons, parents no longer have to keep referring to safety in those situations
  • Instead, parents may need to give reminders
  • Reminders should tell children what they need to “do” rather than describing actions as safe or “unsafe”

In fact, when older children already know the “rules” and reasons for doing things, too much talk about the reasons or safety risks might become like “static” that children learn to ignore. Instead, parents can help children tap into their “safety” knowledge by asking them questions like, “What do you need to remember when you are playing at the park?”

Make feedback specific

Avoid burying instructions or feedback to children in “safety talk.” Raising the “shadow” of safety may lead some children to have unhelpful feelings, like nervousness, that actually get in the way of their ability to manage their behaviour.

When children make a misstep like not following house rules, tell them what they should do (e.g., Walk down the stairs) rather than telling them what they should not do and using safety talk (e.g., That’s not safe, don’t run down the stairs.)

In the end, when a child follows the specific instruction, the risk of harm or misfortune is naturally reduced.

Help children tune into their own signals

When adults are looking out for children, sometimes they use cautious phrases too often. Children who have sensitive temperaments or who feel hesitant in new situations may be more affected by messages of caution. Over time, they may come to avoid even trying new things or taking reasonable risks, which limits their chances to become more confident and independent.

  • try to limit use of cautious phrases like “be careful” – they give little helpful information, but may add to feelings of anxiety
  • when adults keep asking children if they are okay when they have said they are, children may question their ability to take stock of situations

It is important to help children develop their ability to listen to their own internal signals. To do this, ask children to think about the answers to questions like, “What do you think about this?” or “How do you feel about this situation?”

Don’t cry wolf

Too much safety talk may cause children/teens to ignore it altogether, which is a problem when we need to let them know about something that poses a serious risk or potential harm. The more someone raises the alarm in the absence of a real risk or threat, the more likely the alarm will be ignored in the presence of real threat or danger. Do your best not to label actions as dangerous or “unsafe” when they actually pose little risk to your child. When adults over state the degree of danger or risk in a situation, it also lessens adults’ credibility.

What do you notice?

It may be helpful for adults to notice how they react to phrases that bring thoughts of safety to mind. This self-awareness can help them tune in to children’s experiences.

For example, when you read a headline like, “Watch this terrifying video of a bear breaking in”, what do you notice? Do your muscles tense? Does your breathing get faster? Does your stomach tighten?

These reactions show the power of words to affect us in an instant. You might not even notice that these reactions happened, but your mind does and as you go about your day, they might affect what you do, feel or think.

Now, imagine how your child might react when they hear certain words, their “alarm” signal might get turned on and anxious feelings might affect how they behave, all without realizing it. Being mindful of the language of fear and safety is important.