Setting a Positive Tone for the Return to School

While many things will be the same about returning to school, some things will also be different this year.

In her video, “Leading Our Kids Back to School“, Psychologist Deborah MacNamara considered questions parents might naturally have and then stated them in different terms to help adults lead with confidence and positivity.

Will our kids feel secure?

Rather than asking, “Will our kids feel safe”, it would be more helpful to ask if children will feel secure. “Why is that?”, you might ask. We cannot know the future or predict what is going to happen, which makes it hard to promise or tell children they will be safe.

As Dr. MacNamara reminds us, “Safety is an illusion,” because we cannot predict what is going to happen and cannot know the future. Instead, it is better to focus on helping children feel secure in the face of uncertainty, which they can do when adults take the lead and model a calm, thoughtful approach to difficult situations.

Positive adult relationships help children feel secure

  • Parents do not need to have all the answers, they just have to be ready to respond to their child’s questions and needs. Parents and caregivers are natural caretakers, so you’ve got this!
  • Instead of telling children they will be okay, tell them they will be taken care of. Why?
    • Being “okay” is different for every person – children who are nervous or anxious will find many ways to argue that they will not be okay
  • Logic often will not solve the worry, but it is harder for kids to argue the point that someone will take care of them
  • Parents can point their children toward the “caregivers” at school with positive messages like these: “These are the people I have chosen to take care of you”, “Your teacher is looking forward to seeing you”, “Your teacher will take care of you”
  • Lead with confidence – meet children’s needs, not their demands.
    • Children need support and encouragement, but sometimes the things they say and do come across as demands that adults think they need to respond to.
    • For example, your child might cry and say they are not going to school. What they need is for you to take the lead by telling them you believe in them and that they will be able to handle what they have to do.
  • When children are upset and making demands, it is hard for parents to keep from asking their child a lot of questions, like, “Are you scared?”, but it is important for adults to stop themselves from doing it
  • Even if parents and caregivers have their own doubts, they should express their concerns to or lean on other adults, while giving positive, supportive messages to their children
    Before and after school, listen with full attention and have some fun (be playful!) – these things deepen your connection with your child

What can I do if my child feels nervous about going back to school?

Instead of asking, “Will the return to school cause anxiety?”, it would be more helpful to ask, “What can be done if my child feels nervous or anxious?” Remember, your connection with your child is like a “force field” around your child’s heart – remind your children that you are always thinking of them when you are apart.

Suggestions:

  • You can ask your child to imagine that there is an invisible string between them and you, which does not break when you are apart.
  • Food is often a sign of home and comfort. In the first days of school, you might want to put a favourite item in your child’s lunch as a reminder of your connection.

Other signs of comfort

Children may not be able to take comfort items like a favourite toy to school.

Instead:

  • you could put a small picture in your child’s lunch bag, which they will see at lunch or snack times
    • for example, send a small picture of family, the family pet or a favourite toy
  • you could also put in a little note to your child to let them know you hope the day is going well

Make room for and accept feelings

  • accept the feelings your child has, no matter how silly they seem
  • reassure children their feelings are not a problem, that they are normal, and they are to be expected
  • make room for children’s feelings rather than trying to get rid of them, e.g., by constantly comforting or reassuring them
  • remember – tears are okay – crying is the body’s way of releasing tension

Accepting feelings also means holding back from:

  • judging
    • e.g., “why would you feel like that?”
  • dismissing
    • e.g., “you don’t really feel like that”
  • countering
    • e.g., “I think you’re just excited”
  • defending yourself
    • e.g., I have to go to work, so you have to go to school
  • teaching a lesson
    • e.g., you have to learn how to handle this
  • solving your child’s problem
    • e.g., getting them out of an uncomfortable situation

In the days/weeks before school starts, drive or walk by the school and simply state, in a matter-of-fact tone, “There it is!” On purpose, change the message from “time to stay home” to “now it’s time to go to school.”

Be confident in your decision about returning to school and hold back from making judgements about decisions other families make, e.g., “This is the right decision for our family, but other families might have different factors to consider.”

What will children need to adapt?

Psychologist Deborah MacNamara, reminds us about the natural ability of children to adjust to changes in life. When parents asked, “How will our kids adapt to all the changes at school?”, she suggested a different question focused on what they need in order to make the adjustment. It helps focus adults on the things they can do to help children adjust.

First and foremost, kids need connections with adults who calmly take the lead.

Help children face reality

Help children face the reality about the way things have to be and what cannot be changed “for now” so they can move on. This can be done by letting children express their stories, feelings and frustrations.

For example, consider the following situation:

Child: “I was so mad we couldn’t play tag at school today because we are not allowed to touch other people.”

Parent: “That must have been frustrating. I know how much you love tag, but that’s the way it has to be right now.”

Draw on your relationship with your child to help them set good intentions for the day

Ask your child: “Can I count on you to:

  • follow the handwashing routines at school?”
  • keep distance between you and your friends at recess?”
  • ask your teacher for help if you feel upset about the new rules?”

Think about using play to teach kids new rules and routines. Using playful approaches to learn new ways of doing things will be less alarming and much less likely to result in resistance. Not to mention, having fun and laughing helps to release tension!

What conditions are needed to support children’s learning?

Families may naturally wonder, “Will our kids learn once they get back to school?” It would be more helpful to ask, “What conditions are needed to support children’s learning?”

Make connections first

A sense of connection is the foundation for everything, including learning. After this time of staying-at-home, everyone is learning how much we mean to each other. The key to survival and doing well is leaning into our relationships. Taking time to reconnect and to kickstart relationships between teachers and classmates first will set the stage for getting on with learning later.

Caring adults at home and at school need to let children know that they are there to help, whether that is knowing where to put personal belongings, managing excited feelings about seeing friends they have not seen for a long time, or remembering how to do arithmetic.

Play and have a sense of humour

Practicing new rules and routines in playful ways will help children get comfortable doing things in new ways. Play is good at all ages – for children, teens, and adults! Having a sense of humour and sharing laughter helps to reduce tension.

Returning to “normal” activities feels right

For children, going to school and doing schoolwork may actually help them feel better because they are familiar and “normal” activities. Caregivers can remind kids that learning new things and doing schoolwork is something they already know how to do!

Many thanks to Deborah MacNamara for her video session, “Leading Our Kids Back to School.” Notes, edits and additions made by WRDSB Psychological Services Staff.